When I am under duress, stress, pressure of an incoming avalanche, I freeze.
I go round and round in circle, spend half an hour working on an email. Checking, rechecking, making sure I don’t look stupid.
I go on walks in my head and spend 5 hours to do two powerpoint slides. I re-read my slides five time over trying and change it a million to see if there’s a hole, there’s a gap or that I’m simply sounding stupid.
And last week someone clearly thinks I am stupid as my work products had holes. Gaping holes that was so rudimentary I bet he was wondering how I got the job at the first place. I hyperventilated deep inside. My speech turned to blabber and I became incomprehensible. It was awful. It was awful but it did not make me want to kill myself.
Which is an improvement on its own.
I didn’t even tear. I didn’t think the world is crumbling. I didn’t think that I should just pack up my back and go. I didn’t think that all hope was lost.
I looked at the piece and see where the gaps were. Estimated how long it would take me to fix it. And did another estimation on how long it would *really* take me to fix it. I started fixing it and left work at 6pm. It was Friday. I had socialising to do with some new people I met in Confest that I’d rather get to know than spending another 4 hours ruminating on how incompetent I am at this job.
And I came back to work on Saturday. I spent 6 hours ruminating, staring at the document and tore it apart and put it back together and tear it apart again and put it back together again. It was painful. My stomach was cramping. And I had to throw the towel at 5 pm. Took some pain pills and went to sleep. Cramps were killing me.
I still think I should know better. I still aim for perfection. I still wish I am smarter or a faster thinker or a better person in general. But in all honesty, I am not as worried as I used to be in the past. I know I will get through this. And I know I always think things are worse than they really are.
If something is broken, I will fix it. For now, I will not feed my monster.